Boundaries In Relationships - From Flourish in Business
I’m not here today to chat with you about who you should go into business with or give you hard and fast rules about boundaries.
— We’re all smart capable women who can make those decisions for ourselves and we know the seasons we’re walking through and where we need to draw the lines. We’ve all heard a line drawn in the sand, and this is often considered a permanent decision. When I think of a “line drawn in the sand” I don’t see it as finite I see it as a boundary.
Here are 3 things your lines need to be.
Your lines need to be clear.
Your lines need to be moved.
Your lines need to separate.
And I’m going to break these down for you. When a line in the sand is drawn it’s clear, however, it can be changed, just as the tide can push the sand around, a line can be brushed with a hand. People often take offence when they are given boundaries. I’ve been there, I’m sure we all have, often times we see it as a restrictive measure, not a protective one. Another thing most of us like is an explanation. Giving reasons can seem like an excuse but it can also give clarity, it’s the words we use. The difference between an excuse and a reason is a decision. “I can’t, I don’t want”
Before we go on — No is an answer, a reason and a sentence. Some of you fellow people pleasers needed to hear that.
The only person you owe an explanation to is yourself. As long as you know your reason why that’s all you need. Boundaries don’t require long essays or theatrics, they are simply a protection and the biggest thing you have to protect is your time. The clarity in your response will let the other person know where you’re at, how many times have you heard, ya - maybe, I don’t know, or Ya no. How many times have you been the person to respond with those answers? It can be frustrating not having clarity and to those who often answer with the unclear maybe over time you might begin to realize that those around stop asking you. Whether it’s an invitation, input or advice. What takes up the most time? Aside from scrolling Instagram?
Relationships.
So you may as well invest in good ones and start investing less in the ones that are no longer serving you. And if they ask you why, you can respond kindly but honestly about why boundaries had to be set: “I don’t feel you respect my time. I don’t think we’re on the same page. I don’t believe we approach our friendship the same way. I think we have different ideas about this [project, idea, situation]. “This is where it’s important to move the line and manage it where necessary. As one of my favourite authors Lysa Trykeurst says “We can not change people — so why give them level 10 access when they are only giving you level 3, simply because you’re hoping one day they’ll get to level 10”.
It’s not worth your time — this doesn’t mean you cut them out, it just means you match them where at the same level, and if level three drops to one, so be it, or perhaps over time your level three will become a level seven. Lines can be moved depending on the season of the relationship. They may not be able to articulate why they’re only giving you 30% access, but you can acknowledge this by matching them.
Next is keeping our boundaries separate.
Our Brains are crazy, cool, weird and wonderful things. They do so much without us consciously knowing: breathing, blinking, sitting, or if you’re like me pacing. We can learn sorts of new things at any stage of life, but we need to protect it, and I don’t mean simply wearing a helmet when you go on a bike ride…though you should.
There are downsides to this efficient piece of technology. We like to look for the easy option, the path of least resistance and like to build a narrative around a situation, Our brains default into something called cognitive dissonance, where our brains like our actions and thoughts to be aligned and if they’re not our brains are so much stronger than our physical bodies we will change our beliefs over our actions. An example of this is allowing people into our inner circle or allowing the weight of their opinion to outweigh yours, because it’s easier, or you have a “history” with this person, you don’t want to have the “difficult conversation”.
I speak from experience when I say, I have allowed myself to be resentful instead of allowing others to be disappointed.
The problem with this is, is it takes more effort on our end to work through resentment than it does for others to be disappointed because we don’t need to hold onto their disappointment because they are not in our brain and they don’t have our gifts or vision – and most of all they don’t have to live with you.
You get to live with yourself which means it’s your responsibility to make those decisions for yourself. If you make decisions based on other people’s opinions and it doesn’t work out the way you wanted, they walk away or change their mind after you’ve invested, it’s no skin off their back, but it just costs you - your time, your energy and your resources…
It’s important to keep things separate, between your vision and someone else's interpretation.
There’s a difference between feedback and opinion, Feedback is when someone has invested time to learn your vision, understands your dream and wants to help you succeed, and understands you may not take what they’re offering.
The opinion is the expectation that you will change to fit their vision, and their interpretation and adapt to what their offering. In order to keep things separate we need to give ourselves time to evaluate and sort through how we feel in certain situations and environments. It takes approximately 10,000 hours to be a master or an expert at something. And when we don’t succeed on the first go we believe the narrative that we’re failing, that we should give up, over time we’ve lost our sense of play and room for error. I want to encourage you to find people who will celebrate you’re failures as much as your successes celebrating doesn’t necessarily mean poppin’ bottles but it means getting curious, and understanding how things could be different to reach the goal of success. Another thing I want you to do is to know and understand what your level of success is in this chapter of the story.
I want to be vulnerable with you, my goal for this event was 60, and we didn’t hit that, but we have grown 300% since our first event in 2021! Our brains focus on a criticism 4x the amount we focus on the positive, which means we need 4 compliments for every criticism just to remain neutral. And if we’re trying something new because we haven’t given it 10,000 hours of practice, we’re pretty good at talking ourselves down and small before anyone else has got to us, it’s important to protect our thoughts and our ideas until we have a firm foundation.
This doesn’t mean keeping it to ourselves under lock and key, but it means being aware of who we’re sharing it with. Many of us use social media, and most of us met through one platform or another, so I’m not hating on it, but I do think Social media has led us to think that vulnerability is the new “sexy” – it sells, but at what cost? I want to share this thought filter I use 80-90% of the time when I go to post. First I think being authentic and vulnerable helps connect with your audience, yes. Do I think people need to see reality in a world of filters yes? But do I also think you should protect yourself first, yes?
Since 2020 here’s how I break it down:
I ask myself if it’s a scrap, scab or scar.
Scrap means it’s fresh, and if I share I’ll end up “bleeding” over everyone, whether it’s bitterness, hurt, anger, or gossip. I make my mess someone else’s mess – that’s what friends, family, and therapy’s for, not the internet, because in you can’t control other people’s actions and if in you’re rawist moments someone decides you’re their target for the day, it’s only going to send you down a further spiral.
Scab means you’re in the process of healing, you can share bits of information but still need to be protective of the season you are in and who you share the intimate details of your life with
Scar is, you’ve reached a point in your story, where people can see it, but it no longer affects them, and while it’ll always be a sensitive spot you are willing to share the journey, in hopes to help and serve other people.
Everyone is going to have different sensitive spots, whether it’s relationships, business, family life etc.. what’s one’s person’s pain point may not be sensitive to another, so it’s not the time to start judging what other people are sharing, but more so aware of how you’re feeling when you’re showing up. Your test can be your testimony and everyone’s story is a part of who they are and where they ended up. In the same way, everyone’s business is solving a problem they first walked through or experienced. I created these events in particular out of loneliness, lack of control and direction. I wanted to create an environment that was accessible, and challenging but also a safe space to be vulnerable and feel seen and I hope that’s what today is for you.
I want to leave you with this last little bit: This is from Jennie Lusko’s book Fight to Flourish written in 2020 and the catalyst for these events, “Whatever fight you might be in today, know that you have the word flourish written all over you and your future”. “It’s not just dirt you’re planted in, it’s soil with the right nutrients [...]you’re not buried you’re planted. Just like flowers, versus trees – we all take a different amount of time to bloom. So be surrounded by those who support you and give you the water you need, and root yourself in a community that will shine on you and encourage you to grow. We also need to prune as we grow, just as we prune plants because we know dead leaves and unnecessary weight stunt growth, and while pruning can be painful it’s also necessary to get to where a need to grow. (who doesn’t love a good pun)
This is why it’s so important to protect our relationships and stand firm in our boundaries. While we all have big dreams, I want to remind you it’s in the consistent small steps and the changes you make along the way that will light the path to fulfilling your dream. I wrote this over a year ago and wasn’t sure where or when it would see the light, but today’s the day and it says:
Is she lucky or:
Has she had the courage to walk past comfortable,
Has she stepped past confident to chase her calling.
Has she cried as she fought her battles of doubt and failure.
Has she questioned her creativity and credibility and still continued.
Has she stumbled, been knocked down and got back up.
Has she insisted on protecting her imagination so others could call her lucky.
Keep going, and you will bloom.
